Give Me a Thumber: How to Get Details For “How Was Your Day?”

The start of a new school year is certainly an exciting, and somewhat anxious, time for parents and kids.  Parents want their kids to report to them on how they are adjusting to their new teachers, school, friends, bus, etc.  I, for one, want details!  When kids get home from school, we ask, “How was your day?”  They most commonly answer “fine”.  An answer that doesn’t give us what we’re really looking for.  We want to know details but we also don’t want to interrogate them the minute they get home.  So how can we get what we really want, and in some cases, need to know?   I suggest:

Give Me a Thumber (Rank the Day) – ask your child to rate their day on a scale.  They can give you a thumber, a thumbs up, thumbs down or sideways so you have a sense of how they’re doing.  For more detail, you could have them rank their day on a scale of 1-10 with 1 = not a good day and 10 = a really great day.  This is a great way to assess how things are going over time.  If your child is reporting a 9 each day and then comes home to report an 8, you know that something happened to lose that point.  It gives you an opportunity to discuss what happened.

Best & Worst Part of the Day - During a time when the family is together (ex. Meal time) have each family member share one thing that was the best part of their day and one thing that was the worst part.  This gives you an opportunity to hear some details of their lives while also teaching them perspective taking as they listen about aspects of your day as well.

Ask Specific Questions – if you want more detailed answers than ask more detailed questions such as:

• Who are the really nice kids in school?
• Are there any kids who aren’t nice?
• Who did you play with at recess?
• What did you do at recess?
• Who did you sit with on the bus and at lunch?
• What do the kids chat about during lunch and recess?
• Does anyone get bullied?
• Do you bully anyone?

This will seem like an interrogation if asked all these questions at once, so choose the ones that are most important and switch them up for variety.  Be sure to listen for changes in which kids your child is spending time with so you can ask about that as well.  For example, if they sit with the same child on the bus each day and suddenly they are sitting with someone else, they may have a social issue that they need advice on or to just to talk about.

Ask Your Child’s Teacher – teachers are a great source of information regarding the social connections your child is, or isn’t, making at school.  You may schedule time with teachers to ask if your child has friends at school and ask if they can share their names with you so you can set up playdates.  The teacher may not be able to give this information to you due to privacy but may be willing to share your contact information with other families instead.  If the teacher doesn’t see friendships forming, ask if he or she has ideas as to why.  Knowing what the issues are is important to provide support for friendships.  Your child may act very differently at school than they do at home so you may not be aware of the barriers that are hindering social connections.  You could also ask about volunteer opportunities for you to help out in the classroom.  You will be able to view for yourself the dynamics of the social environment.

If You Discover a Social Issue – discuss your concerns with the classroom teacher and the school guidance department or school psychologist.  These professionals can offer a tremendous amount of support to kids who struggle socially but it may require parents asking for help for them to be aware of an issue.

Understanding the social life of your child can prove to strengthen your relationship with him or her.  As long as parents don’t overreact to incidences that occur, your child will trust that they can talk to you about things that happen.  As parents we can’t always “fix” what happens to our kids but we can certainly offer lots of empathy and a sympathetic ear. Just having someone to listen can make a huge difference to a child who has had a tough day.

So the next time your child comes home from school, rather than asking “how was your day?” try “give me a thumber” and see what happens next!

Longing to Belong

Feeling valued and needed is what makes us feel like we matter. Makes us feel worthy. All squishy inside. We watch our kids as they struggle with social awkwardness: phones that never ring, invitations that never come…it’s nothing short of heartbreaking. We watch as our kids try very inventive ways to get the attention of others. We watch them try to achieve the feeling of belonging and friendship and when the friendship is not returned, we feel that pit in our stomach when we see the look of rejection on their face. So what are we to do? How do we as parents help them connect and fit in? We never give up. We keep trying by giving our kids opportunities to participate in activities that may be out of the mainstream. Kids with social challenges aren’t usually captains of the football team. Sign them up for scouting, bowling, fencing, karate, drama, fishing, or yodeling. Keep searching until you find where they fit in or create a club of your own with what they like. Have a game night at your house and invite kids over. Set up a Wii bowling tournament or have Heroica night. Take what they love and turn it into a social opportunity. Your kid’s friends are out there somewhere. You just need to keep searching until you find them. And when you find them, you will find connectedness, self-esteem, contentment, laughter, understanding and that wonderful squishy feeling of being liked for who you are.

Simply Swinging

Who knew that watching a 6 year old boy simply swinging on the swings at recess could be so heartwarming and exciting?  It is when that same boy’s anxiety prevented him from playing at recess for the whole year.  Only in the last month of school did he even start to sit on the swing.  The rest of the year he would wander around the play yard, near the doorway, keeping track of the time so he would know when recess ended.  He worries.  He worries that he’ll be bumped.  He worries that he’ll get hurt and have to see the nurse, or worse, a doctor.  He worries that another child will do something to him that he doesn’t like.  He worries that he will be expected to speak.  But today, he had the most contented look on his face while swinging.  He didn’t look worried at all.  As I watched, a group of 7 noisy girls make a move toward the swing and I thought, “Here we go.  Once they come over, his solitude will be shattered and the worry will come back”.  But, no.  He stopped, looked at them, kicked his legs, smiled and began swinging again.

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Respect, The New R-Word

Kudos to the Crisafulli School in Westford, MA for raising awareness to Spread the Word to End the Word!  The 3rd -5th grade school kicked off the program with an assembly that showed video clips from http://www.r-word.org and the principal of the school, Julie Vincentsen, taught the children how words frame the way we think and act.  The message was clear to respect and accept others.  All the students were given two green paper hand prints with the pledge “I pledge to work to eliminate the r-word from my vocabulary”.  The students signed the pledge and had the option of discussing the pledge with family or friends and asking them to take the pledge as well.  The photo of the Peace Tree shows the many green hand prints/pledges from the event.  Each student who took the pledge, received a wrist band with “SPREAD THE WORD TO END THE WORD” imprinted on it.  The wrist band is a reminder to stop use of offensive words and to prompt further conversation.  Suggest a similar campaign in your child’s school.  See http://www.r-word.org for ideas, video clips and materials to support a program to SPREAD THE WORD TO END THE WORD.  Many thanks to all schools who support this effort of acceptance.

Welcome to the Social Smart Kids Blog

Welcome! Social Smart Kids is excited to make new friends in the blogosphere!  I love to hear from those who are interested in helping kids with social challenges.  It makes my heart happy when kids are hanging out together and enjoying life!  I hope that you will share your stories – talk about those friendless days (we’ve all been there), share how you helped a child socialize, ideas for social opportunity and certainly tell us when your child has been a good friend.  We’re all in this together!